Week 9 Workshop Responses

Jess –
I thought this was a really well structured article. You go from Streeter’s role at KAMSC to the national situation to the economy to the students with smooth transitions. For 1000 words, you really covered a lot of ground, and I felt like I got a really good understanding of what’s going on at KAMSC and at universities nation wide. I thought the quotes by Streeter were a hoot—he’s got such a high school counselor voice! All the same, I could have maybe done with fewer or shorter quotes from him if it meant that I got to see him a little clearer. I wanted physical description of him and his office, if that’s where the interview went down. I also wanted to hear from more students, and maybe even a parent or two. Also, what exactly is the KAMSC? At first I thought it was a high school, but then I read that Radhika went to KC. The last quote from Streeter was a little confusing; I would say maybe leave out the second half and just keep it simple. Overall I thought this was a really interesting phenomenon to write about and that you did a great job reporting on this issue.

Joel –
This is something I’ve always wondered about—how do all of these new bands get started, and how do they survive? I loved the way you started with the scene. I wondered exactly who the novice was (you?), but I really liked the way you described Alex’s playing. Also the quotes—these guys really seem like they have a lot of personality. I wanted them to be bigger characters in this piece. I was missing the physical description, and I thought you could have included more scenes. In the last paragraph, you pose the excellent question, what kind of person is crazy enough to try to succeed in the music business? I think in order to answer this question, you need to show The Oaks’s individual members more clearly. We only hear from Alex and Zach—what about the others? Can you show them all in action? Also, I have to be honest: the mechanics in this piece were a little rough. There were a lot of sentences that didn’t flow quite right. I think it’s just a matter of tightening things up for the final draft. I’m really intrigued to know more about this band!

Myles—
Such a cool story. It’s already great, and I think it has the potential to be stunning. I’m getting the impression that you’re not done interviewing, and I think when you’ve got more perspectives about the place, everything will really come together. Already you’ve got amazing quotes and beautiful description, plus this really eerie feeling that runs through the whole piece. Although I loved the description, I wanted it to be interspersed with information about the paper mill’s history. That way I think you would hold the reader’s interest, give little hints about the direction of your story, and make the description really stand out when you do use it (as it is, I feel like it’s all kind of running together). It’s really interesting that the buildings will be bulldozed, but that people will miss them. Are there other people who won’t miss them? Also, what is the town’s economy based on now that the mills are extinct? Were people’s lives drastically altered when the mills first shut down…people that lost their jobs and couldn’t support their families, etc? Another thing to ask yourself is, do you need to be a character in this? I think it works ok as it is, but maybe it’s something to mess around with.

Anna—
Damn that’s a good first paragraph. With the creaky wooden floors, you found the perfect way to introduce this building and the artists it hosts. As I was reading the rest of the piece, I felt like I was being carried very smoothly from one room to the next. The transitions are deft and the voice is clear and engaging. However, I have to say that the article felt a little brochure-y: history, who’s there now, and the outreach to the community. All of this is important, but it seems like there’s something missing. Maybe some scenes capturing the artists in action? Are there any workshops for kids or community groups coming up in the next couple of weeks? That would be awesome. Or maybe if you can watch the artists interact with one another? But already you give a good sense of who these individuals are from the physical descriptions. I especially like the part about Dennis that mentions that he always has wood shavings and dust caught in his hair ☺