Week 10 Workshop Responses

Marina—

I loved your opening—the names provoke curiosity and give hints to the subject of the article. Like we talked about with your first article, I think you might need something like a definition of feminism early on in the piece. I mean, not like “in the OED, feminism is defined as…” but like some kind of statement linking feminism to this campus. Sorry, I know that’s kind of vague. Maybe one thing that could help: you say, “This play has positively affected the women on our campus…” but that leaves me wondering HOW exactly they are affected. I think specifying things like this, and generally showing in concrete ways that feminism is an important and contested issue on this campus, would make the article’s focus more clear. I was also confused about what this article was trying to do. Are you focusing on the play? On feminism in the arts? On feminism on this campus? On Laura and Rachel? Also, since you’re dealing with a play, showing some scenes with action could be cool.

Andrea—

This article really grabbed my interest, and it touches on so many important social issues, especially with the economic situation today. I loved the little details you included, like the items on her lawn, the PJs, the syringe box, and Martha’s Vineyard. You really know how to make a statement with just an image or a name. I thought that organizationally, this piece could be tweaked to heighten the impact of certain revelations and to tighten the article’s focus. Right now I’m confused as to whether you’re mainly talking about MS, Lisa’s trouble getting a job, or Mira’s doubts about higher education. Obviously you can’t talk about any of those things without talking about the rest of them, but I think if you specify the idea of the story that you want to tell in this article, then you can make everything fit together, and all the facets of the story will point to one main focus. You’ve got really great quotes and Lisa and Mira are well fleshed out as characters, so I think it comes down to making smooth transitions from topic to topic. For example, I got confused after the second paragraph, because you had been talking about Mira’s doubts and then you went to a scene with Lisa and introduce the topic of MS. I didn’t see what that had to do with education at first. So just make sure all the details and the transitions are meshing together and this article will have a really big impact.

Simona—

Really fascinating. I had no idea this was going on at K. The quotes and the scenes are great; it definitely felt immersion-like. For example, the way you observe the students’ reluctance to take notes, and what that says about the paperwork that goes along with this stuff, which in turn says a lot about how under-funded and understaffed the program that students are the ones doing this complicated bureaucratic stuff (it also says a lot about how dedicated the students are). So great noticing throughout this piece. I thought there were some organizational issues – for example, the paragraph “In 2009 the Michigan Civil Rights Commission…” seems out of place because it’s stuck in the middle of a scene. Why not move it to the part where you start talking about the forms and obtaining licenses? Also, while I don’t mind that the piece opens with a scene, I think it would be even more powerful if you had some kind of a tantalizing lede to introduce the fact that students are going out in spite of the danger and doing the government’s job by fighting civil rights violations. Overall, I think this is an important issue that more people need to know about, on campus and off.

Steven—

Well, you’ve got a treasure trove of gorgeous, deftly noticed details; now I think you need to be more selective about which ones you’re using. The description needs to serve a function in your story, and when you start out with so much of it, the reader gets bogged down and doesn’t know what all these images are pointing to. For example, why is it important that Kokkinos has a secretary? Why should we care about what the priest’s hair looks like? I think maybe you need a little something at the beginning to introduce what your doing in this undertaking, your questions as an outsider…basically explain why you’re there. I thought that there were a lot of hilarious moments in this article, and I definitely got a good sense of your outsider-ness. The children and the matriarchs are full of life. I think you’re well on your way to having a lot of intriguing characters that draw us into the story. But I think that in order for YOU to be a full character, we have to know why you’re there and why this whole outsider/insider thing is so important. You kind of get to it in the end when you’re talking to the priest, so I think maybe just starting off with something brief to let us know who you are and what your doing would make things really stick together.